New Year~New Decade~New Philosophy?

Wow, I am horrible at this! The last post was nearly a year ago! I need some kind of incentive to post more. It would at least be therapeutic to write it all down, or something like that..lol

This year, I am not sure where I want to be. What I want to do. Where I want to go.

I feel like I am losing myself sometimes. I don't know what I need to do to feel alive. I know that my faith has suffered. I need to reconnect with the earth and the Goddess and ask her and the universe what I need. It's so hard.

The kids are getting so big, and I feel like I am such a crappy mom sometimes. I need to feed them better, treat them better, play with them more, teach them more...and right now, all I feel like doing is holing up and sleeping. I know I am borderline depression and also feeling a bit manic. I am wondering if I need some sort of medication or if it's just the pain that is getting to me.

I need to get on disability but I need a test to get approved and my insurance won't cover it. So I am in a catch-22.

We are struggling to make ends meet and it is stressing me out big time. We have lots of things to sell, but it's getting it done. I wish I had a store front to sell things from, it would make things so much easier! Then I could set up a space for the kids to play in and then sell from the other side. Dad's shop would be perfect, one side for the kiddos(and maybe a smallish daycare spo) and the other side for the store. Then I could man the store when anyone came by but still make some money babysitting. But the startup costs are prohibitive right now. And I am not sure that would make me happy, but it would at least give me something to do!

The new roommate is working out good, she is pagan identified as well, so I am hoping that might incite me to get back to my roots and work harder at peace. We will see.

I wish I could set up a reminder to do this everyday, it would be good for me to write. :)

Things I need to do:
Finish my rebate stuff, print the Kelloggs ones, find a Luvs diaper for that rebate, get a Coors UPC..
Mail the timeshare deed to FL and figure out a way to pay for the year's fees(this will hopefully lead to chiro care, which I am hoping will help relieve some of my pain and stress...)
Get back to basics with eating at home, spending QUALITY time with the kids, being a better wife
Sell, Sell, Sell! The things I have stored need to be moved. It's time!
Decide what I want to do with my life. How can I make changes to better my life and that of my family
Buy a house-I want something with a good portion of land-set far back from the street and preferably not on a busy street, with space for a garden and maybe some smallish animals and also forest behind the house so I can talk to the trees-a bonus would be some water on the land or nearby(a stream in the woods or a lake within walking distance), at least 3 bedrooms, a nice sized kitchen with a dining room that is appro for family meals as well as guests, a lovely family room with (hopefully)a woodstove with lots of room to move and the ability to change things up when I get bored(lol), a nice playroom area for the kids when we are stuck inside, an office/craft/adult room for Chad and I, lots of closet space for our stuff and a nice finished basement to be able to have parties in, outbuildings(maybe a smallish barn for the animals)-a shed for Chad's stuff, a shed for my stuff, trees or bushes in the front yard to block the house from being seen from the street, no houses close enough to see into my house from theirs, close enough to town that we can get there easily but aren't in the middle of it, within 20 minutes of Manchester, a nice deck with room for the hot tub, neighbors I can live with, no busy street with cars that blast through at 45 without a glance for children, room in the yard for the kids playset, trampoline and a clubhouse, a good spot for getting off the grid(solar, wind, a couple of woodstoves for cheaper heating, etc) and a place that calls to me so that I want to stay there for a long, LONG time. That isn't too much to ask is it?